If You Don’t Like To Cuddle Does That Make You Not A Girl?

Don’t get me wrong, I love cuddling. Sometimes. Like when we are watching a movie on the couch. Or for maybe five to ten minutes when we crawl into bed together. Most of the time however, I get restless. We cuddle for about 5 minutes and then I want to turn around. Or my leg falls asleep. Or I want to lie on my back. Needless to say, Cory has absolutely no complaints about this. You know when I really don’t like cuddling though? It’s after we do the dirty.

After we have sex (we never call it making love but that is another post for another day), I want you as far away from me as possible. I jump in the shower really quickly to get the smell and the ickies away and then I just want to crawl in bed and sleep. I don’t want to cuddle with you. I am dirty (physically) and sweaty, and grimy and the last thing I want to do is cuddle with someone else who is dirty, sweaty, and grimy. I just want to sleep without interferance (and you not in my personal space) and relax. Cory loves this (He is a guy. He is naturally predisposed to the absence of the cuddle gene). My friends think I am a freak of nature.

This makes me the joke of my girlfriends. I am apparently, an alien species.

“What? Do you have estrogen? How do you not like cuddling?”

But I do. Just not for a very long time and definately not after sex. In that way, I am Samantha from Sex In The City. I just want you to get in, me to get off, and then you to get out. Crude nevertheless, true. This makes it slightly more difficult when you are married to the man that is getting you off. My husband on the other hand, get all manners of slaps on the back, “Dude, she is a keeper!”

According to Psychology Today (I love the magazine. All sorts of random information that makes for interesting cocktail party talk if you are into such things), women want to cuddle after sex because they want to convince (that is not the word they use) themselves that they aren’t just doing the deed because of sex. They are doing it for “intimacy”. Apparently women feel guilty about having more sex than their mothers and so they need affirmation that they aren’t sluts (I am liberally paraphasing here). Men pull away because they don’t want to feel responsible for taking care of the woman – they don’t want to worry about you.

No offense meant to Psychology Today but that is just a load of bullshit me thinks. As an Asian, I know guilt. My mother was raised Catholic. She has got the guilt down pat. Asian in general feel guilty about everything. Even if it not related to them at all. Pearl Harbor? Check. Holocaust? Yum. We feel guilt as sin. I have a more sensitive guilt monitor than others. However, I am having sex and most women are if they care to admit it, because gosh darn it, I want to have sex. Yes, sex in my marriage is a result of our love for each other in a tangible physical way and I get very, very grumble when I don’t get it on a regular basis.

So ladies tell me. Are you a cuddler or am I a freak of nature? Hit me with it.


Photograph by Kent Matthews

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24 comments on “If You Don’t Like To Cuddle Does That Make You Not A Girl?

  1. april says:

    I am not making fun of you for having typos. I have tons of typos, I like to believe that I personally am evolving language. I, personally, wish it were still the 15th century when spelling was fluid. Yes things were more difficult, but also more fun.But I would like to point this one out, only because it made me laugh:
    “Holocaust? Yum.”

    Please dont be offended. I mean, holocaust, YUM is funny. I got a kick out of it. I hope you dont hate me now.

    I also hate cuddling. Its sweaty and the fiancees arms (i refer to them as his massive hamhocks) are heavy as hell. After sex I just want to lay still and settle – do not touch me. Of course, I dont have sex for intimacy, I have sex for sex. I have conversations and cuddling for intimacy.

    • Jesselyn says:

      OMG, I am such an idiot. This is what happens when I type at 4 a.m.! I am going to leave it up there for shits and giggles though. Hahaha… I once spelled veteran as vegeterians in a History test which my professor gave me no end of grief for. I was really tired from stay up late and studying, kay!

  2. ruthyg says:

    i don’t think you’re a freak…i understand wanting to shower and get the ickies off, but after the shower I want a good cuddle…not long, just a little. Except my hubby is more of a cuddler than I am! I end up cuddling until he falls asleep..then I move over!

  3. Sex: yummmmmmmmmmm

    cuddling: ewwwwwww. Most of the time. But, lately, I am really digging it, so idk. Maybe it evolves?

    And, yes, I would be so offended if someone showered after we fucked. but I would forgive them and forget if I loved them. Also, if I knew they were crazy like that 😉

  4. Brandy says:

    I actually love to cuddle any time, all the time (well, I like something to be touching – hand holding, a foot touching, something!). EXCEPT after sex. We actually have a phrase for it…..”I love you, but don’t touch me”. Translation: that was great, but we’re both hot/gross and it’s time for sleep. Any other time, we fall asleep snuggled up as close as can be (I married a natural-born snuggler, which is funny because he hates anyone but me to touch him). But after sex, no touchy-touchy!

  5. Bean says:

    I’m with you, cuddling at certain times (and short times) is nice, but not after sex or when i’m trying to sleep. I think plenty of women feel that way. Having some sweaty heavy body imprisoning you all night long is torture. I just want to have my space and be left alone.

  6. Clark says:

    Interesting post. 🙂

    “He is a guy. He is naturally predisposed to the absence of the cuddle gene.”

    Things like this actually depend on the guy. I think cuddling is very nice.

  7. shannon says:

    ok so I hate cuddling. I don’t know why I’m beginning to think their is something wrong with me. I’m not my self any more I don’t like to kiss,hug,cuddle or have sex. We’ve been married for 4 years and have 3 kids. What’s wrong w me?

  8. Kaliko says:

    “Don’t get me wrong, I love cuddling. Sometimes. Like when we are watching a movie on the couch. Or for maybe five to ten minutes when we crawl into bed together. Most of the time however, I get restless. We cuddle for about 5 minutes and then I want to turn around. Or my leg falls asleep. Or I want to lie on my back.”

    This is me. 🙂 Thanks for the giggles. Now get away from me, you’re making me sweaty.

  9. Saima says:

    I hate cuddling, it’s annoying. Sex is sex, the last thing I want is to be touched during and after. Not touching during is kind of hard but if I feel as though he’s ‘feeling me up’ to much I get annoyed and just stop completely. As soon as we’ve both ‘finished’ I pull myself away from him just as he’s starting to cuddle as again I find it annoying. Don’t really understand why I feel annoyed by contact but I hate it, even when it has nothing to do with sex….

  10. KBFWA says:

    I have never been into cuddling much (possible psychological issues in MY case, not everyone’s case, since I was in an incubator and also had a somewhat unresponsive mother), so I pretty much figured I am destined to be alone. However, there’s a great guy I’ve liked for 3 years. We finally crossed the “friends line” last night and I confirmed my suspicions that he’s a major cuddler and very affectionate. I did try to reciprocate. I wonder if this a complete mismatch. Maybe I can’t become more cuddly. Maybe we could never be good partners for one another.

  11. Cortney Hayes says:

    I’m not a cuddle person either. In fact I agree with you almost to the T…(whatever that means LOL). I like to cuddle somtimes…just not every night and just a few minutes…actually the same basic stuff you said applies to me.
    My hubby on the other hand does like to cuddle. Maybe it’s because he goes to bed earlier than me so he doesn’t see me in bed much unless we’re “doin the dirty’.
    I’m very warm natured…I get to hot to stay in bed and cuddling obviously doesn’t help with that…but to be hontest I just prefer to sleep untouched. I’m also a light sleeper…so cuddling distracts me.
    I wish I liked it more…but that’s just me.

  12. Cianain says:

    I really think these kind of traits are primarily culture and/or childhood based, be it parents or of another source of care giving.
    I found this article particularly cute because as it turns out, I’m not the only ‘forever alone’ type who is coincidentally not alone. Personally, it’s not that I don’t enjoy the company of people, or even the company of someone I am attracted too… it’s something about being physically stuck under someone. It literally offends me. At this point in time I found it relevant to see if I was alone on feeling this way, and I might be in the sense that I really do dislike 99% of affection but that brings me to my point: hug your damn kids once in a while, lol especially if you’re from a irish catholic tough love kind of bullshit mentality.

  13. Mmarie says:

    I like sex but when I want it which is not everyday all day unlike my mate now cuddling I’ll pass . At bed time I want sleep . I’m not interested in being breathed on the crown of my head or laying on a hard hot chest getting cramps in my neck I hate it I didn’t use to through mmmm

  14. Tina says:

    I don’t like cuddling either. =P

  15. Life Coach says:

    It seems to me that you view sex as just that and nothing more. Being “intimate” with someone, hopefully the one you love, is not a bad thing. You view it as dirty, disgusting, filthy… the more you view it that way the farther away you are to a true connection with your man. But you said that your man loves it so I guess… congrats on finding your match. If it works for you and him, keep up the good work. I on the other hand view it as and feel it as a lasting bond and true connection with someone I’m supposed to live the rest of my life with. So making sure that bond is there is essential to me… but cuddling is not for everyone as you have said so yourself.

  16. E. says:

    I am a freak of nature as well then. I never liked cuddling. More than that, I just don’t like anyone touching me too much, I hate massages, I hate when hairdresser washes my hair, I hate pedicures and all other touch form. It may sound weird when you have a partner.. I wouldn’t say I don’t like his touch. I do. But the amount of physical interaction he requires is just draining me.. I feel exhausted after watching a movie with him on the sofa!! He touches me, He wants me to crawl his back and cuddle and snuggle and..ogh.. hrrr… I literally get tired. Then I can’t even think of having sex afterwards or anything, I need to be alone for a while, not touched and not asked to touch him.. But well.. I have a trouble.. I live with a guy who depends on physical touch. This is one of his love expression ways and if I don’t touch him enough it’s always about the question “Do you still love me? Is something wrong?”.. I guess I am a freak. And sometimes get scared that I may even loose him one day to someone more “touchy” if I totally don’t change myself with this 😦

  17. jenny says:

    I can’t stand cuddling. I work graveyard and go to bed as soon as I get off work. He’s already been in bed for several hours and wants to snuggle up to me. I’m sorry, but after a long, typically horrible, night at work, someone clinging on to me and ramming their sweaty junk into my butt crack holds precisely zero appeal. Add in the morning breath, obnoxious heat level, and the general feeling of being grossed out that someone is draping themselves all over me and I can not fall asleep. In fact, I just get angry.
    I know it’s not him or any lack of feelings or desire for him. I’ve just always needed personal space. Sleeping in the same bed with someone at all is something I’m still working on doing without going postal and beating them with a pillow. Thankfully, we work opposite shifts. So, our shared bed time is kept blissfully minimal…until the weekend when I just grin and bear it for as long as I can before I’m shaking with frustration, shrieking at him to get off of me (in my head, of course), and absolutely have to move away from him.

  18. Krystyle says:

    I don’t like to cuddle after sex. I don’t really like someone hanging on me or having to hold hands. Hugs are great and I will cuddle with my husband right before we fall asleep. I love sex! I would much prefer sex to cuddling. My husband is snuggler. He wants to snuggle all night but every time he invades my space at night it wakes me up 😦 I didn’t realize there are so many women who are the same.
    Lol I’m going to show this to my husband and maybe he wont think I am so weird.

  19. I like a little cuddling. But if it’s with a new partner, it’s hard for me to control myself as wanting more sex. I hooked up with this guy the other day and he had to get up early to go to work. He wanted to cuddle and I was just laying there thinking of sex with him. He was holding me on his chest. (Which is really sweet that he wanted to because I was just expecting to hook up. I guess or trying not to get too involved). I couldn’t get over him blowing all in my face in my sleep. If I moved away, he’d grab me again and pull me back to him. He’s recently gone through a lot of sad stuff. Maybe that’s a part of it. I even wanted to do more and kept touching him. He said, “Stop”. Haha. It was really funny to me. Maybe if he hadn’t of needed to work the next day. But he was soooooo sweet. Hard to get him out of my head. I’ve noticed before that when I get to know someone more, I’m more open to cuddling, but I think I’ll always be a person who needs my spaces cause I’m all over the place in my sleep. I woke up at one point and I needed to go to the bathroom and couldn’t get out of his grip. Strong guy. Had to wake him up to get out of the grip. Then later, I was asleep, but couldn’t stop moving. He was laughing and said, “You can’t get right, can you?”

    Darn it. I never do well at hookups. I always get the cuddlers and then I feel bad like I’ve used them.

    We forget that guys have feelings too something.

    During sex, I looked down and he had this big goofy grin on his face.

    Anyway, that was a lot of info, but I can’t stop laughing about it.

  20. AJ says:

    What an excellent article! I’m 52 years old married 27 years and have NEVER liked ‘cuddling!’ I’ve always though I something was wrong with me because I would prefer to have my own space while I sleep. Thank you for sharing this.

  21. Liz says:

    I am so so thankful you wrote this. I am always walking around feeling broken because I want sex (a lot) and don’t need all the other stuff. My husband gets angry with me because I usually just want to have sex to get the intimate fullfilment needed in marriage. Does that make me broken? He says it does. It makes me feel insecure and unwanted. There is nothing I have been able to say or do to help him understand me. Not really sure why it’s such a bad thing either. I almost feel like we live opposite of the typical roles. Advice?

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