How To Immigrate To The States Legally

Step 1:

Get your approval letter of your I-130 and yelp like a mad woman at the postbox

Step 2:

Get really excited about finally, finally, getting a move on this thing and immediately schedule the requisite appointment with the civil surgeon for your health exam. Supposedly they want to make sure you don’t have some weird biochemical disease but if you ask me, if you are already in the States with a biochemical disease then everyone is kind of up shit creek without a paddle. Its either that or the States just don’t want any defective new residents/ citizens much like the warrior cultures tribe of old who put to death their babies who had a defect. Who knows?

Step 3:

The doctor’s office is in some shady part of down and all the documents are in Spanish.Oy. Get stuck with needles then have to pay $130 for them to tell you you are just dandy and write it in a letter to the government.

Step 4:

Fill out all the forms: 543785 in all or something like that. Printer fails. Have a meltdown on the floor of your apartment while simultaneously cursing the Gods of Printers

Step 5:

Procrastinate because you really don’t want to pay the US government 1 bajillion dollars (Okay, more like $1300 to process your 543785 forms.

Step 6:

After 3 weeks of slumming, kick your mental ass in gear so you can be a functioning member of society instead of a republic of one on your couch. Get dolled up to go to Walgreens to get a passport size photo because the last time you went to get your photo taken sans makeup the results were enough to send a 2-year old into tears you looked so terrifying. Only for them to tell you they already have your photo on file and print out your hideous face from the time before anyway.

Step 7:

Go back to Walgreens the next day and they have no recollection of you, nor your passport photo order and they have no idea who told you they had your passport photo on file because they most certainly do not. Wonder briefly if you are going crazy.

Step 8:

Get your US Citizen hubby who is more of a bum than you (you have to freaking file his taxes for him every year or else he would be living on the streets kind of bum) to sign all the papers he is suppose to sign. Only for him to sign the wrong papers and have to do it all over again.

Step 9:

Finally, finally, got everything in line, take your precious cargo to the post office and Stand in line for 2 days (okay, so only 45 minutes).

Step 10:

Send it off to the US govn and wait a very, very long time and have many, many nightmares of Obama personally kicking you out of his country.


~ True story, the picture above was actually one of the original pieces displayed in my art gallery wedding venue when I first viewed the space. It is as striking to me now as it was then. Anyone have a spare $350? I sent all my money to the US govn. Campesino y Tambien Fan de los Pumas by Maceo Montoya. Buy it here.


This weekend I will be terrorizing my parents. It’s their birthday weekend. What are you up to?


2 comments on “How To Immigrate To The States Legally

  1. Yikes! I thought I had it bad applying for a new passport and waiting for it to come in the mail. You poor thing! I hope it gets here soon so the Obama nightmares will pass.

  2. Mrs T says:

    Paper work = EVIL. I still haven’t finished changing my name on everything. Best of luck with your paper work!

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